Your definitive rankings for the best and worst in the universe
Welcome readers! Late last week we announced that we would be unveiling some new columns and podcasts. Well, here is the latest written publication that we are pleased to introduce: Jerry Sherwin’s Universal Power Rankings!
This will be a weekly column ranking (in an order which is non-consecutive and makes absolutely zero sense) the top developments/stories/people in MMA, Boxing, other sports, Music, and Pop Culture. You can rest assured this will be full of snark, pure judgment, and ‘WTF’ analysis. You’re welcome.
1 – Carlos Condit – If you’re reading this, then you’re probably already an MMA fan and this selection doesn’t need much explanation. Man, the Natural Born Killer put on an incredible show at UFC 195’s main event last Saturday. It is no secret that Condit is one of the most talented and toughest fighters in the game, but his toughness, aggression, and intelligence were on full display in his bout with Robbie Lawler. Although in the end the scorecards say that Lawler won the fight, Condit gave us a performance for the ages which leaves the official decision in doubt. Well done sir.
2 – UFC 195 – Like the jackwagon I am, I was concerned that this card would underwhelm, due to the fact that we just came off of a whirlwind UFC bonanza with multiple PPVs and Fight Nights. As usual, I was wrong. I was completely entertained and thought that all the fighters really showed up. Brian Ortega want HAM and has the most badass hair in the UFC. Stipe Miocic straight CRUSHED it against Orlovsky. Lawler vs. Condit needs no further explanation. Good job Zuffa.
73 – Kenyatta Robinson – Long story short, Ms. Robinson from Michigan was upset because she had beef with one of the managers at her local Domino’s Pizza and he flagged her account with a comment that said “f**k this c**t”, which would print on the receipt each time she ordered. She attributed this blood feud to the “Sausage Scandal of 2014” (wtf?). I don’t even know where to begin with this one. To start with, the fact that CNN made reference to a “Sausage Scandal” makes me giddy. Secondly, Robinson’s ultimate vengeance against the ginormous pizza chain is her refusal to eat at Domino’s again, ever in her lifetime. Great, that will really hit them where it counts. She sees that as a major form of protest, whereas most people just call that a New Year’s Resolution. Finally, I just love the fact that this manager actually had the stones to do that. Is it screwed up? Hell yes it is. But I still can’t stop laughing. (H/T to CNN – http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2016/01/01/vulgar-note-pizza-receipt-kim-russell-pkg.wxyz)
99 – Johnny Manziel – This clown just does not get it. I don’t need to go into gory detail about his snakebit tenure with the Cleveland Browns. You already know he’s been a screw-up of epic proportions. But despite the disastrous mistakes of his rookie season in 2014, he continues to make every possible wrong decision. Yesterday was the final week of the regular season in the NFL. Manziel knew he was not going to play due to a concussion he suffered the week before, but the Browns had a policy that he needed to report to the team at 9:00 a.m. to get checked out by the docs. Mr. Football did not comply, because he was in Las Vegas and was not answering his phone. The Browns had no clue where he was. None. Zip. Just let that sink in. The QB (presumed leader of the team) not only wasn’t with his teammates for the last game of the season, he was AWOL. This guy is a disease. Cleveland, time to leave him a Dear Johnny letter and move on.
135 – Chris Brown – Quite possibly one of the worst people on the planet. This guy is such a piece of garbage. Once again he finds himself on the wrong end of assault charges, and then fires back at his female accuser with the intelligent and well-reasoned argument that she is “ugly”. This guy needs to disappear. You know how much I care about this guy? Let me tell you by paraphrasing his latest single: Zero. That’s how many f**ks I give about this guy.
Welp, that’s all she wrote for this week folks! Hop on next week to check out the best and the worst in my Universe!