Your definitive rankings for the best and worst in the universe
Good morning readers and welcome to another edition of my Universal Power Rankings! Pour yourself a cup of single-sourced joe, fire up the laptop/tablet/phone and enjoy!
1 – Connor McGregor – This guy just doesn’t quit. He is far and away the most entertaining man in combat sports, and quite possibly all of sports. McGregor is a one man promoting machine and he stepped his game up last Tuesday when he used the power of the written word and his facebook account to bitch slap Floyd Mayweather. Shots fired! One of the best aspects of McGregor’s scheme is that he backs up everything he says. He talks smack, and then he lays the smack. Simple formula. And can anyone really argue with what he said in his post to “Money”? On top of that, it looks like he Jedi Mind-tricked Dana White into letting him fight for the Lightweight title without having to vacate his Featherweight Belt. The Notorious strikes again!
2 – Miesha “Cupcake” Tate – We all know Miesha felt slighted when Holly Holm was selected to step into the octagon at UFC 193 against Ronda. I see Meisha’s point (as she was the only fighter to take Ronda past the first round in any of Rowdy’s fights), but Ronda demolished Tate in those bouts, so I can’t argue against the decision to pass her over. Well, Holly Holm is now in possession of the Women’s Bantamweight strap and Dana White announced that she would fight before her rematch with Ronda. And lo and behold, Cupcake gets the nod to battle Holly in her first title defense. I’m very excited for this one.
3 – Ronda Rousey – Yeah, she’s taken a lot of shit in the media following her stunning loss to Holly Holm at UFC 193, but let’s not forget, she’s still Ronda f*****g Rousey. And she’s on her way back! The UFC superstar and certified badass will be hosting Saturday Night Live on July 23, 2016, which is pretty significant. You only get that gig if you’re someone uber important.
4 – FightbookMMA – When Matt and I started THEFIGHTVOICE, we we wanted to help the combat sports community. Our aim was (and still is) to put the fighters, trainers, gyms, and countless others behind the scenes, in the limelight and give them the exposure they deserve. The only way that’s been possible is with the support and assistance of our fellow media members. To that end, we want to give a big shoutout to Fightbook MMA, one of the biggest movers up the rankings this week. FightbookMMA is an important cog in the MMA community and its writers selflessly promote the organizations and individuals that make the sport great. Be sure to check out the nominees for their 2015 Awards and vote! Keep up the great work guys.
5 – Cage Side Submissions – On Saturday we had the pleasure of interviewing Steve Rychel from Cage Side Submissions and it was an absolute blast! Steve is one of the good guys in the industry, and along with Racheal Blaze, CSS puts out an amazing podcast you can find at www.cagesidesubmissions.com or by subscribing via itunes by clicking RIGHT HERE ya jabronis! Right now CSS is in the running for FightbookMMA’s 2015 Fan Favorite Podcast Award, so please show some support and love for our friends at CSS Radio by voting for them!
6 – Wisconsin – Is it true that any publicity is good publicity? If so, then the state of Wisconsin must be beaming (Sidenote: I have 50% Wisconsin blood in me, so I can say whatever the freakin’ cheese curd I want on this topic). WOW! Making a Murderer (see below)! Putting the Badger state at the forefront of pop culture, and not in a good way. Corruption, misconduct, salacious crimes and awful accents. What more could anyone want? With the Packers playing like rotting cheese (this pains me to write, as I bleed Green & Gold), Making A Murderer is keeping WI relevant. And why the hell does Wisconsin only get significant media play for horrible crimes and high-profile trials (see: Jeffrey Dahmer, Mark Chmura [acquitted!])?
6 – Khloe Kardashian – As if the Kardashian’s haven’t taken over enough of the world’s media, Khloe Kardashian has a new show coming out. In all likelihood the show will be mindless unoriginal drivel, but DAMN Khloe is a certified smokeshow in the promo pic run in People Magazine! Remember the days when she was considered the “ugly sister”? Neither do I.
7 – Kylie Jenner – Let’s just stick with the Kardashian theme, shall we? This week Kylie posted a scandalous video for B+W (what the hell is that, btw?) that involves bondage. Then it comes out that she and her sister Kendall have a secret handshake that involves tongue and “boob-slapping”. There’s really nothing more that needs to be said about this.
8 – Julianna Pena – You know what doesn’t feel good? Getting kicked in the balls. You know what makes that nightmarish experience even worse? When the person administering said kick is an MMA fighter. Bad Julianna Pena! Bad! TMZ acquired the 911 audio from that fateful night in Spokane when she allegedly kicked two men right in the jimmy outside of a bar. The bar employees were extremely concerned, as you can hear them say “they’re gonna f**k sh*t up” and “they’re wiping their bloody faces on the door”. First of all, that sounds like some Walking Dead business right there. Julianna went full zombie and then violated the foremost tenet of the unwritten laws of nature: don’t kick a guy in the package. Just don’t.
362 – Maryland Wide Receiver coach Chris Beatty – The other half of The Fight Voice, Matt Greco, often talks about the Cleveland Browns’ Timeline of Terror. It just so happens that Syracuse (my alma mater!) Football has been working on its own impressive Timeline. The Orange added to this inauspicious legacy when their outside WR coach Chris Beatty left to become the WR coach at Maryland after less than one month on the job. One month. Thirty days. Gone. Yup, this season is already shaping up nicely. Cue up another 3 win season. Beatty is #362 on this list because that’s where Syracuse will end up being ranked at the end of the 2016 season.
593. People who mispronounce athletes’ names – I’m not trying to be a douchy snob, but I believe that if you are going to work in the news & media field, then you should be professional. One of the Industry’s cardinal sins is mispronouncing someone’s name. There’s no excuse for it. Figure out the correct pronunciation and practice it. Hell, even write it out phonetically if you have to. I will not tolerate second-rate bozos undermining the credibility of hard-working and professional media members who do their job correctly. So if you’re one of the jackwagons I was describing, then switch your cable and get DirecTV. Stop being that you.
594 – Manitowoc County Local Government – If you haven’t been watching Netflix’s ultra-successful blockbuster phenomenon documentary “Making A Murderer”, then you either live under a gigantic sucky rock, or you’re just awful. This series is bananas and has taken the world by storm. I’m not going to go into the whole thing because I don’t have the time and you should be watching on your own. What I will say is that the municipal government in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin comes out looking like all sorts of sh*t. Good lord. I can’t tell if it was corruption or just unprecedented incompetence that led the Sheriff’s Department, District Attorney, Public Defender, and countless others to make the boneheaded and criminal moves that they did. Is Steve Avery guilty? I have no idea. Maybe he is. Regardless, the number of constitutional violations that took place in both criminal investigations portrayed in the series made my head spin. As an attorney, I have no idea how anyone involved in that keystone cops/kangaroo court charade still have jobs and aren’t in prison. Something tells me the other shoe has yet to drop.
Thanks for reading and be sure to stop by next week for my unofficial and unsubstantiated take on current events. Email firstname.lastname@example.org with feedback, questions, comments, threats of bodily harm, and advertising inquiries.