Your unsubstantiated rankings for the world’s top movers & shakers and worthless jabronis
Good morning readers and welcome to another edition of my Universal Power Rankings! Pour yourself a cup of single-sourced joe, fire up the laptop/tablet/phone and enjoy!
1 – Anthony Johnson – Welp, that’s qualifies as a statement win. Heading into his bout with Ryan Bader, we all knew Rumble was the UFC’s best knockout artist. What we didn’t know was whether Johnson had the stamina to go a full five rounds if Bader avoided the knockout and turned the fight into a grind session. We still don’t know if Johnson can go the full five, because he only needed 1:26 to knock out Bader and show us some crafty moves in the process. By stuffing Bader’s immediate double leg takedown attempt, fighting off his Kimura lock, and then dispatching him with some brutal ground and pound, Johnson showed off an evolving ground game that proves he is much more than a one-dimensional striker. Johnson’s victory halts a two-year win streak for Bader and cements Johnson right in the Light Heavyweight title mix.
2 – Ben Rothwell – Big Ben! The Pride of Kenosha just won’t quit! Rothwell had his hands full at UFC 18 on Fox with UFC legend Josh Barnett in the other corner. Barnett has never been submitted, while Rothwell had submitted 4 of his last 5 opponents. Something had to give. In the end, it was Rothwell who would have his hand raised at the end of the night after submitting Barnett via guillotine choke. It was an incredible performance by Rothwell and establishes him as a top contender in the Heavyweight division along with Cain Velasquez and Stipe Miocic. I’m just pumped that a Sconnie came through! I also want to take my hat off to Josh Barnett for being a class act and a great ambassador for the sport.
3 – Tarec Saffiedine – Saffiedine is back and announced his return by notching a unanimous decision victory over fellow welterweight Jake Ellenberger. We last saw “Sponge” over a year ago on October 4, 2014 when he suffered a TKO loss at the hands of Rory MacDonald. Saffiedine later suffered a groin sideline that would keep on the sideline for over a year. Good to see Saffiedine back in action and emerge victorious in his return to the octagon.
4 – Jimmie Rivera – Jersey’s Finest Jimmie Rivera wanted to put on a show for the home crowd at UFC on Fox 18 and he delivered by earning a unanimous decision over Brazil’s Iuri Alcantara. I’ll admit I was won over by “El Terror” when I saw his story on Road to the Octagon, so I was pleased to see the local kid come out on top. Well done Jimmie.
40 – Sage Northcutt – Tell the conductor to pump the brakes on the Super Sage hype train. The UFC’s prodigy and golden boy was submitted by Bryan “Bam Bam” Barberena in the 2nd round on Saturday night via arm-triangle choke. It should be noted that Sage had moved up a weight class for this fight. Still, the loss is a big setback for Northcutt and might have the UFC brass rethinking their incessant pimping of the 19-year-old.
666 – Kanye West – They say nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Well I think the same goes for airing your beef on Twitter. Kanye and Wiz Khalifa stepped into the online octagon when Wiz decided to chastise Kanye for announcing the title of his new album “Waves”. Well Kanye decided to go nuclear in his response and brought Wiz’s baby mama, Amber Rose, into the mix. To further muddy the waters, Amber Rose is Kanye’s ex, so you know she wasn’t staying silent in this mess. In fact, she made a shitty situation even worse by telling the world that Kanye enjoyed her shoving her fingers up his ass. You know what, I’m just going to end this here. Out of respect for you (the readers) and myself, I just can’t continue with this story in good conscience. Peace.
Thanks for reading and be sure to stop by next week for my unofficial and unsubstantiated take on current events. Email firstname.lastname@example.org with feedback, questions, comments, threats of bodily harm, and advertising inquiries.